Eight Years

"I take you to be my husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part."

Eight years have passed since those words were said. He was 24. I was 22. I was shaking and lightheaded and nauseated, due mostly to the three-month-old baby inside me. Things were shaky. Things were scary.

But we promised.

And we have been true to each other through the good and the bad, through the sickness and the health, through the richer, but mostly through the poorer; and will remain so until death parts us. God has taken this marriage, a second marriage for my husband, and an out of wedlock pregnancy beginning for both of us, and for reasons unbeknownst to us, He has blessed it. He has allowed us to truly love one another. He has given us two children and brought us to a place where we can glorify Him by living a life in a place where according to His law, we never should have been. This is called grace. Not cheap grace, where we excuse the beginning by how good things are as an indication that we must have done something right ourselves, but full out grace, where we have been led to brokenness over our beginnings and our continual sin condition but live knowing that God sustains and blesses us regardless because He loves us. I point this out because a handful of younger people read this blog, and the last thing I want is to be flip or trivialize or romanticize the beginning. It was terribly hard and at times I thought maybe it wouldn't work out. But God intervened. And I am forever thankful.

I wish I could say that on my end of the bargain, I have always been nice, forgiving, tender and obedient, but I haven't. And God has used this marriage to open my eyes more and more every day to the reality of how I fall short in my ability to save myself, and that in turn reminds me that my marriage is to be a picture of Christ and the church. The references to this relationship in scripture refer to a bride that has to be washed by her husband (especially in Ephesians 5 but at other places too), NOT the picture we think of when we think of human brides painstakingly preparing themselves to meet their groom. There have been times (post c-section AND post torn ankle ligament) that my husband has had to physically care for me in ways that I never thought I would have to rely on someone else for. At my very most disgusting, he has loved me and taken care of me. And at my worst emotional and spiritual times, he has persevered with me despite the confusion. And at his worst emotional and spiritual times, I do my best to persevere too. We've had a few instances of minor physical care for him but it has been more me that needed it and I know that if the time ever comes that he needs it, I will do the same without question. I will say though, that he on the whole is more giving than I am in this area.

In all of this is our Father's deep, great love, that while my husband and I were sinners, Christ died for us, (rf. Romans 5:8) and He did not forget to pay for the sins committed that surrounded our marriage. And He paid so completely that He has allowed us to be joyfully united to each other through Him. I pray for eight more years, then another eight, then another, and on and on until hopefully, we meet our Savior together some day when we are very old and worn out (this is ideal, I know -- someone usually has to go first -- but I can still hope, can't I?). I don't know what the future holds but today I am content in what God has given and will remain so.

A Hill to Die On

"I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing." -Mae West

What hills will I die on? What battles will I make my own? When is it really my job to overlay my convictions onto others?

More and more lately the Lord is impressing on me that the hill for me to die on is Calvary. That's right -- sharing the gospel itself. If people really receive Christ and are regenerate, then the Holy Spirit will lead them in the directions that He has planned for their lives. That's not to say I should never speak up for right and wrong even within Christian circles, because there ARE those times, but there are many different lifestyles within even Christendom. Some of them I do not see as good and fruitful but I am human and so blind in many ways. I am telling you this because I am trying to be as honest as I can about my struggle with my broken condition and the knowledge that I am VERY susceptible to wanting to make everyone be like me, and far too unconcerned with wanting people to see Jesus in me and know Him. And I'm fairly certain that every single one of us has some lifestyle that we deem as "unacceptable" or at least "not as good as ours". Still, God allows these things to be so within His people, so far be it from me to assign someone else a "hill to die on". Also, I do appreciate a certain degree of diversity. It continually reminds me why we make the decisions we make and it's a form of "checks and balances" that constantly keeps me on my toes in thinking through the issues.

However, I must quietly live out my convictions and hope that if that is a ministry to someone, they will ask questions (Titus 2 relationships are important -- I have been blessed with a mentor who is godly and I hope, some day, to be a godly mentor). I must also remember that I too am in need of direction and even when deeply convicted, my best efforts contain human error and I could be convicted of something that causes me to change what I am doing today. I cannot make every single stance I have a hill to die on. It would be divisive and that is not the kind of sister in Christ that I want to be.

It is also not the kind of wife and mother I want to be. I want to be the 1 Peter 3:4 kind of Christian sister, wife and mother with the "gentle and quiet spirit" and the "imperishable beauty" produced by that. But these things do not come naturally to me, therefore I need fresh grace EVERY DAY.

I have, since I have been married, been guilty of trying to change my husband and force him to adapt to "my ways". As God has opened my eyes to this, I have realized that I would much rather him be a man who knows and lives through the scriptures, of course valuing me and my thoughts and convictions, but at the same time, holding God's principles as supreme. I daily have to remind myself to allow him to be led by the Lord and to not try to put him on a leash as if he is some sort of bread-winning lap-dog. That is not my role. I am his helper, and in our household this means I can hold him accountable as a Christian brother, but not boss or berate him. I am equally valuable but never his leader. He is my leader, and in our household that means I listen to him, get frustrated with him sometimes, but ultimately look at my tender-hearted husband and know that his decisions always look to the best interests of our children and myself, often putting himself on the back burner -- and so I choose what God has assigned and submit myself to his leadership.

I have, since I had my children, had a deep desire to instill in them the value of a mother who is home. This, in and of itself, is not a bad desire but I do not want to make it an idol and anything -- including staying home and homeschooling -- can become an idol if put before the Lord.

Many will say that there is no difference in whether the mom works or is home but this is not true. Does being home make me a better person, a better mother than others? No, absolutely not! I am fallible, broken and led astray like all other sheep. What it does do is provide our family with many and varied opportunities to know each other, to learn the gospel within the context of home, which I believe scripture indicates is the best forum for teaching the gospel.

We want our daughter to be aware that being "just a mom" is a viable and sacred calling, and while it is something so often looked down on and so often challenging and exhausting, calling every day for self-sacrifice, it is also worth more than any paycheck she could earn or any nice house she could live in or new car she could drive or mani/pedi or hairstyle and clothes or "perfect school" for her children, whether it be a private school or the "right" school district. It is also not something that ends jut because the kids turn 12 or whatever age deemed acceptable for the parents to start pushing them away and just cave in to the notion that "they don't want me around because I'm not cool so I'll just go away and let them be taught by their ever-so-wise peers". In fact, I would argue that a preteen and teenage young person needs the presence of a strong mother at home even more than the little child (and of course Dad but in order for Mom to be home, Dad has to be at work during the daylight hours). There are so many tricky situations to navigate and too many life issues to learn to sacrifice that valuable time just to chase the wind of career or "me time". My mother stayed home with us and yet because of the schools I was always in, I never was aware that just being a wife and mother was enough. I always thought I had to "be something". It is only by God's grace that I know otherwise. And really, that is what I want for my daughter -- for her to know that whatever she chooses, we love her, but that being her husband's helpmate and her childrens' mother is absolutely enough so that she does not wrestle with her conscience should she choose to be in the home long-term. If she prayerfully comes to the conclusion that God has more work for her to do than just being home, then that is between her and her husband. I would hope, though, that the choice would be made in light of God's direction and not in light of wanting more or selfish motives.

We want our son to know that supporting a wife and family is his job and his responsibility -- not his wife's job or responsibility. Even if she works, it is still his responsibility and the man that he is and the lifestyle that he chooses for his family will directly affect whether or not his wife can be fulfilled and serving as his wife, helpmate and mother to their children. He may have to sacrifice the dreams of nice boats and other "man toys" (these are not all bad but they are not to be made priorities) and yet if he pursues those at the cost of his God and his family, he will be empty and will feel the pain of knowing he is striving in vain. He needs to know how to pray for his wife, lift her up, provide for her and the children, defend them, and honor and cherish them. And he needs to know the woman he wants to marry WELL BEFORE they get so serious that someone's heart could get broken, and whether she is career-driven or homeward bound. These things can be deal breakers and better to break the deal early on. Same for our daughter. And don't worry, we will be all up in that process! :)

While instilling these values, we want to leave room for the Holy Spirit to lead them where He would, knowing that there will come a day when they must discern and choose and whether they choose what we have taught or not, they will remain within our hearts and our lives, because the God-given bond granted to us will change as they have their own families and their allegiances to us become secondary but will never be broken. We also want them to learn how to quietly live out their convictions as well, setting a godly example but remaining flexible to knowing that they too are human and may need to change.

While I want all of these things, I do not want my children boxed into a life path that I choose for them. I want them taught well, filled with scripture and the Holy Spirit, AND able to discern what God has for them. That is why we are homeschooling at this point in time (what once was an academic venture has become a spiritual and life-centered one) -- so we are sure that what is being taught will provide them with the human instruction necessary and hopefully the gospel presented will take root and the Holy Spirit will be real in their lives (Hank has already professed a saving faith and we see fruit in his life -- that has been THE MOST thrilling part of motherhood thus far). That is why college is not an assumed end to this journey. It is a privilege for furthering an education that is necessary to the path God leads them to -- and that goes for both of them, male and female. They are youngsters so this could change, but as things stand now, we hope to neither push nor prohibit furthered education. We only hope to keep it from being the "holy grail" on which we base the raising of our children. It will be a decision made in prayer at the right time.

Jesus tells us in Matthew 11:30 that His "yoke is easy" and His "burden is light". I want that to be the yoke and burden my children carry -- not one that I select for them that has them trying to be "good enough" for me.

I guess I have rambled on. These thoughts have been heavy on me for several weeks as the pendulum comes back to a place of balance after learning about so many different ways of thinking. I did not really want it to stabilize. I wanted to stay very far to the right, but the Lord is leading us to the place He has for us. We have been exposed to many things we never examined before and we are thankful for that exposure. But we do not want to overlay a human system, no matter how good, onto our child rearing. We want to open the Word, see what it says, and apply it to our family. Really, those are the only principles that will help. That, and the examples that we, as parents (NOT the youth minister or the Sunday school teacher though those can have a good place too when set in the appropriate context) set for our children. I believe I have said before that parents set examples -- whether it's a proactive example because of what they do, or a passive example because of what is neglected and/or swept under the rug. My little ones are watching. I want to point them to Calvary.

"Example is not the main thing in influencing others, it's the only thing." -Albert Schweitzer

"She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all. Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." Proverbs 31: 26-30

Father's Day

Happy Father's Day to the best earthly daddy I know...

Daniel and the kids at church this morning.

As for my Heavenly Father, I am forever in awe of His love for me and am further reminded of it when I see the daddy that my husband is to our children. His tangible love for them is a reminder to me when I struggle with my doubtful self. Many of you know this song, but I wanted to write out the words. Whenever we sing it at church, I cry. I can't help it. You don't see many tears in Presbyterian services, but this one always gets me going... **If you turn your sound on, you can hear it as well.

How deep the Father's love for us,

How vast beyond all measure

That He should give His only Son

To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss,

The Father turns His face away

As wounds which mar the chosen One,

Bring many sons to glory

Behold the Man upon a cross,

My sin upon His shoulders

Ashamed, I hear my mocking voice,

Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that held Him there

Until it was accomplished

His dying breath has brought me life

I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything

No gifts, no power, no wisdom

But I will boast in Jesus Christ

His death and resurrection

Why should I gain from His reward?

I cannot give an answer

But this I know with all my heart:

His wounds have paid my ransom

"For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, Abba! Father! The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs--heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him." Romans 8:15-17

Just Keeping Up

Since this blog is my way of keeping up with our lives and the kids as they grow, I wanted to do just kind of a catch up entry.

The kids on the train at the Jackson Zoo. We went with some friends and they had such fun!!!

We have stayed too busy this summer. I keep saying things like "once we make it through this week, we'll settle down" but I have realized that settling down will have to be a choice. Though busy, things have been good for the most part. The kids are thriving on lots of sunshine and we are upping our trips to the pool.

Daniel was away at the Graduate School of Banking at LSU and while he was gone, Addie started piano lessons. She has been begging to take, so we decided to let her give it a try. She has had so much fun with "Mrs. High" the past few weeks. She has also begun to show a talent for photography. I think the best part of seeing what she takes is seeing things from her perspective. I get really tickled with her, but she takes great pics for a four-year-old. Here are three pictures she took:

One of our favorites -- her perspective of her Daddy. He is 5'10 but in this pic, he looks like he's up by the ceiling! And this is how he really appears to her...

My mom and dad/her Nana and Papaw.

Her own sweet little hand.

When Daniel returned from LSU, Carter had a piano recital and we also celebrated my Daniel's 32nd birthday. Aw, man. Can that be right? We're aging around here... :)

Here is the video of Carter's recital. As you can see, he is a HAM. He got very tickled on his way up there, and if you can't hear it, he says "I know, I'm hilarious," right before the first song, which is what set the man in the front row off before his second song, in turn setting Carter off. I wish we had been on the other side of the piano because my mom and dad said he kept looking out at the audience as he played and making eye contact with people. He was so tickled I'm surprised he made it through... He is an entertainer at heart, and that scares me a little bit, but if a child has a certain bent, the best I believe we can do is allow him to develop that gift and try our best to teach him about God's glory in giving us certain gifts. I will say, though, that as his mother, I felt my face heating up. We NEVER go anywhere without him making new friends or being noticed. He's just exuberant -- ALL the time.

** You may want to click on the video and watch it ON youtube. I couldn't get it the right size so the right half of the screen is cut off on my blog.

Carter thanks you for watching his recital performance.

The Funfetti cake that Daniel requests every year. I make so many homemade cakes and used to sell them, have even done a wedding cake. But THIS man LOVES his Funfetti. It used to offend me but now I'm just glad that I get to make such an easy cake and the kids absolutely love helping with it.

Carter has discovered the joy of Legos. Yes, he's a bit old to just now be discovering this. He is a smart little boy, gifted in many things, but fine motor skills came late to this young man. I noticed him playing around with the old "baby" Duplo blocks though and said, "You need some Legos!" He LOVES them and won't quit building things. That's all he wants now -- more Legos.

Our Arts and Sports Camp (a VBS where they get to choose their activities like a day camp but are still taught the word like a VBS) was last week and Addie got to sign up with the 5K's since she's too old for nursery and there weren't any specific 4K activities. She did cooking and dance and had a BLAST! Carter did crafts and basketball. I think the exposure was good for both kids. And they learned a huge chunk of Philippians 2 (Ladybird's age group learned verses 10-11 and Carter's learned 5-11). I was really excited for Addie because she won awards in both of her activities and they only gave out two for each activity. She was very excited as well. We're not big on competition just for the sake of competition around here and I try to tell the kids that I expect the same behavior from them when they're not competing for awards as when they are ("Work heartily as unto the Lord..." behavior, if you will).

The kids on "green day". I ran out of green hairspray on his hair so she settled for white. Won't she make a great old lady some day??

I have been studying up on some curriculum changes I'd like to make. We had a whirlwind of a first semester and I was pleased with some things but not with others. When all is said and done, I think we're changing everything we did! I guess maybe I wasn't that pleased... I have just been exposed to some things that seem a bit more well-ordered than what I was trying to do. There are so many good curricula out there, it's hard to know what to choose, but I believe I have found most of what is going to work with our philosophies on what education should be and what we want for our family...

The garden is growing CRAZILY! We have had giant cucumbers and yesterday my first tomato turned red. There is corn on Carter's corn stalks. When it is ripe, we will FEAST! And Addie's watermelon vine has one medium watermelon and several babies. I have had a fiasco with keeping our homemade cages upright. We are learning lots of "what not to do" lessons for next summer's garden!

Addie's watermelon three days ago. Today, it is twice that size (about the size of a NERF football). We cannot WAIT to eat it!

Well, that's all for now. Happy early Father's Day to any man who may glimpse this (and especially to YOU, 'Rie -- I look forward to hearing what gifts "the Maxter" grants to you).

Couldn't resist one more pic of my sweet kiddos -- at the zoo, pretending to be SUPER scared of the 'gator.

What are YOU laughing at??

The "YOU" is me, so don't think this post is about anyone but myself. I got really convicted Sunday night. It wasn't the sermon, and it wasn't a book I was reading. It was the Holy Spirit and me.

Daniel and I left church and put the kids to bed. He ran back out to grab some Chinese food (we were hungry but too tired to worry about making anything) and we settled down to eat our dinner and watch a little TV. We don't often turn the thing on but when we get takeout, a lot of times we do, just for background noise and distraction. I know, this is a terrible habit (really, I know it is) but we do it.

Summer TV is worse than the norm. Has anyone else noticed that? They don't rerun the season that just finished anymore, like in the good old days of Cosby. They put all these three-month-long reality shows on and they are not only ridiculous but just pointless and crass.

We settled on Last Comic Standing. I've never seen it and I thought maybe someone might be funny. The first couple of people were ok. Then, they got to this lady who is a single mom. It showed her dragging her three, maybe four-year-old son into a new apartment so they could stay there for the show. As they unpacked, she said, "Here are some toys to play with" and handed him a few empty liquor bottles. Now, I realize that maybe she was exaggerating and trying to be funny for the camera, but still... Then, they were playing hide and seek and on the wall, she had drawn a stick woman and little boy with a sign over their heads that said "Where's daddy?" She talked about how she had taken her son to many nightclubs because sitters had bailed and she had to do stand up, mentioning how many hundreds of waitresses he had been held by.

My heart was BREAKING! This precious little boy was all giggles. Some day, he will grow up and realize how NOT funny all of this is. My favorite quote by this woman was, "I may not be doing a lot right but I figure I'm not doing much wrong." Now, how do you make that make sense?

"Let's turn it, why don't we?" my husband's voice broke the horror. We chose something much more uplifting (an NCIS Los Angeles rerun) and watched for a little while.

As I turned in for bed, all I could think was, What is wrong with that woman? What is wrong with those people?

And then, the quiet, whispering conviction came: What is wrong with YOU?

The problem is NOT this woman. She's not a child of Jesus Christ. I should not be surprised. I can be sad over it, but it's silly of me to expect anything more. The problem is not the network. Many of them are not saved either and they are doing their job -- airing what sells. The problem is not the unsaved viewers out there. They are laughing at the tongue-in-cheek portrayal of the sad realities of their world.

The problem is ME.

In many situations lately, I have realized how much I am the problem. I mean, sure, I could lay the blame on everyone else, but in this situation, I should blame myself -- the Christian viewer. The mother who has given up so much to stay home and raise her babies. The one who wants to tell everyone else what they're doing wrong. ME. Me. With the Holy Spirit at work in my life and His word waiting readily to be opened and an Internet full of good sermons and a house full of good books to read, WHY am I sitting in front of the "tree of the knowledge of evil" and filling my head and heart with evil? When I watch that show and many others, I am paying credence to that lifestyle and to the advertisers.

Monday morning. The alarm goes off and I shower and head to the doctor for a check up. People magazine is in the waiting room. I finish my Bible reading and instead of going ahead and reading more, I stop there and pick up People. On the cover is Kate Gosselin and her passel of children. The children are beautiful and smiling. Kate looks pretty good for all of the crap she has been through. And I'm off again, but this time only for half of the article. The nurse opens the door and calls my name so I carry the mag with me. I can finish while waiting on the doc. But before I can open it again, the conviction comes: What are YOU looking at and why?

An article about a family that has fallen apart and is exploiting the children for their worldly gain. A family who tells us that for whatever reason it's not working, even if you're a Christian, you should just sign papers and walk away (this is NOT a judgement on divorced people -- please remember that I myself am a second wife and God has graciously blessed my marriage for reasons I will never know). What is wrong with her?

And He's right there, quick and loving in His questioning of me: What is wrong with YOU?

I set the magazine down and close my eyes, breathe deep. I have allowed culture to indoctrinate me to be a part of the problem. There is no blame in that statement, only acknowledgement. I will have to begin to work very hard to be a part of the solution (quietly, winsomely). I finish up with the doc and on my way out, drop the magazine back into the basket on the waiting room table. I'd love to throw it away but that's not going to help anyone either.

Now, I am NOT saying I have it all together or all figured out. I am NOT trying to start some sort of boycott. I am just saying that I have realized how much Christians (namely THIS Christian) add TO the problems rather than becoming a part of the solution.

Ouch, God, ouch. You never let me take the easy way. It just wouldn't be fair to me, would it? No, I know it wouldn't.

Thank you.

"Your eye is the lamp of your body. When your eye is healthy your body is full of light, but when it is bad, your body is full of darkness. Therefore be careful lest the light in you be darkness." Luke 11:34-35

At Books-A-Million 10:17 am

Half finished latte on the side table

Warm grey pleather chair

Myriads of books that tell me...

who to be

how to be it

where to go

how to get there

and why I am doing it all wrong.

Memories of senior dismissals in high school

Visiting the new-fangled book/coffee store around the corner

We were so informed

We knew it all

Or we thought we did.

Gonna be SOMETHING

Gonna CHANGE the world

Never gonna be CONFINED to a small corner

Gonna GET OUT of here.

I mill through the shelves

Smell that refreshing new paper and old coffee smell

Pick one up

Put it down

Do it again

Feel the twisting in my guts as I wonder how young and old minds alike

Navigate the shelves of wisdom and trickery.

Return to my latte.

Pick up the book I brought with me

The only perfection in an otherwise imperfect framework.

No purchases today other than my soul

And He bought it because I couldn't.

My book falls open to a well-worn passage that reminds me

That HE allowed me to live FREE

In THIS small corner

By NOT getting out

But by STAYING put

And hoping to see the lives of two little ones change

As they learn of His free gift.

They may fly far one day

Leave this all behind.

But wherever they go

May they not forget to take their FREEDOM with them

Because once it is received it cannot be TAKEN away.

That will be my joy.

A Poem

This is by Amy Carmichael and is beautiful. It speaks for itself so I won't comment further:

In Acceptance Lieth Peace

He said, "I will forget the dying faces;
The empty places,
They shall be filled again.
O voices moaning deep within me, cease."
But vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in forgetting lieth peace.

He said, "I will crowd action upon action
The strife of faction
Shall stir me and sustain;
O tears that drown the fire of Manhood cease."
But vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in endeavor lieth peace.

He said, "I will withdraw me and be quiet,
Why meddle in life's riot?
Shut be my door to pain.
Desire, thou dost befool me, thou shalt cease."
But vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in aloofness lieth peace.

He said, "I will submit;I am defeated.
God hath depleted
My life of its rich gain.
O futile murmuring, why will ye not cease?"
But vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in submission lieth peace.

He said, "I will accept the breaking sorrow
Which God to-morrow
Will to His son explain."
Then did the turmoil deep within him cease.
Not vain the word, not vain.
For in Acceptance lieth peace."

~Amy Carmichael