A Hill to Die On

"I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing." -Mae West

What hills will I die on? What battles will I make my own? When is it really my job to overlay my convictions onto others?

More and more lately the Lord is impressing on me that the hill for me to die on is Calvary. That's right -- sharing the gospel itself. If people really receive Christ and are regenerate, then the Holy Spirit will lead them in the directions that He has planned for their lives. That's not to say I should never speak up for right and wrong even within Christian circles, because there ARE those times, but there are many different lifestyles within even Christendom. Some of them I do not see as good and fruitful but I am human and so blind in many ways. I am telling you this because I am trying to be as honest as I can about my struggle with my broken condition and the knowledge that I am VERY susceptible to wanting to make everyone be like me, and far too unconcerned with wanting people to see Jesus in me and know Him. And I'm fairly certain that every single one of us has some lifestyle that we deem as "unacceptable" or at least "not as good as ours". Still, God allows these things to be so within His people, so far be it from me to assign someone else a "hill to die on". Also, I do appreciate a certain degree of diversity. It continually reminds me why we make the decisions we make and it's a form of "checks and balances" that constantly keeps me on my toes in thinking through the issues.

However, I must quietly live out my convictions and hope that if that is a ministry to someone, they will ask questions (Titus 2 relationships are important -- I have been blessed with a mentor who is godly and I hope, some day, to be a godly mentor). I must also remember that I too am in need of direction and even when deeply convicted, my best efforts contain human error and I could be convicted of something that causes me to change what I am doing today. I cannot make every single stance I have a hill to die on. It would be divisive and that is not the kind of sister in Christ that I want to be.

It is also not the kind of wife and mother I want to be. I want to be the 1 Peter 3:4 kind of Christian sister, wife and mother with the "gentle and quiet spirit" and the "imperishable beauty" produced by that. But these things do not come naturally to me, therefore I need fresh grace EVERY DAY.

I have, since I have been married, been guilty of trying to change my husband and force him to adapt to "my ways". As God has opened my eyes to this, I have realized that I would much rather him be a man who knows and lives through the scriptures, of course valuing me and my thoughts and convictions, but at the same time, holding God's principles as supreme. I daily have to remind myself to allow him to be led by the Lord and to not try to put him on a leash as if he is some sort of bread-winning lap-dog. That is not my role. I am his helper, and in our household this means I can hold him accountable as a Christian brother, but not boss or berate him. I am equally valuable but never his leader. He is my leader, and in our household that means I listen to him, get frustrated with him sometimes, but ultimately look at my tender-hearted husband and know that his decisions always look to the best interests of our children and myself, often putting himself on the back burner -- and so I choose what God has assigned and submit myself to his leadership.

I have, since I had my children, had a deep desire to instill in them the value of a mother who is home. This, in and of itself, is not a bad desire but I do not want to make it an idol and anything -- including staying home and homeschooling -- can become an idol if put before the Lord.

Many will say that there is no difference in whether the mom works or is home but this is not true. Does being home make me a better person, a better mother than others? No, absolutely not! I am fallible, broken and led astray like all other sheep. What it does do is provide our family with many and varied opportunities to know each other, to learn the gospel within the context of home, which I believe scripture indicates is the best forum for teaching the gospel.

We want our daughter to be aware that being "just a mom" is a viable and sacred calling, and while it is something so often looked down on and so often challenging and exhausting, calling every day for self-sacrifice, it is also worth more than any paycheck she could earn or any nice house she could live in or new car she could drive or mani/pedi or hairstyle and clothes or "perfect school" for her children, whether it be a private school or the "right" school district. It is also not something that ends jut because the kids turn 12 or whatever age deemed acceptable for the parents to start pushing them away and just cave in to the notion that "they don't want me around because I'm not cool so I'll just go away and let them be taught by their ever-so-wise peers". In fact, I would argue that a preteen and teenage young person needs the presence of a strong mother at home even more than the little child (and of course Dad but in order for Mom to be home, Dad has to be at work during the daylight hours). There are so many tricky situations to navigate and too many life issues to learn to sacrifice that valuable time just to chase the wind of career or "me time". My mother stayed home with us and yet because of the schools I was always in, I never was aware that just being a wife and mother was enough. I always thought I had to "be something". It is only by God's grace that I know otherwise. And really, that is what I want for my daughter -- for her to know that whatever she chooses, we love her, but that being her husband's helpmate and her childrens' mother is absolutely enough so that she does not wrestle with her conscience should she choose to be in the home long-term. If she prayerfully comes to the conclusion that God has more work for her to do than just being home, then that is between her and her husband. I would hope, though, that the choice would be made in light of God's direction and not in light of wanting more or selfish motives.

We want our son to know that supporting a wife and family is his job and his responsibility -- not his wife's job or responsibility. Even if she works, it is still his responsibility and the man that he is and the lifestyle that he chooses for his family will directly affect whether or not his wife can be fulfilled and serving as his wife, helpmate and mother to their children. He may have to sacrifice the dreams of nice boats and other "man toys" (these are not all bad but they are not to be made priorities) and yet if he pursues those at the cost of his God and his family, he will be empty and will feel the pain of knowing he is striving in vain. He needs to know how to pray for his wife, lift her up, provide for her and the children, defend them, and honor and cherish them. And he needs to know the woman he wants to marry WELL BEFORE they get so serious that someone's heart could get broken, and whether she is career-driven or homeward bound. These things can be deal breakers and better to break the deal early on. Same for our daughter. And don't worry, we will be all up in that process! :)

While instilling these values, we want to leave room for the Holy Spirit to lead them where He would, knowing that there will come a day when they must discern and choose and whether they choose what we have taught or not, they will remain within our hearts and our lives, because the God-given bond granted to us will change as they have their own families and their allegiances to us become secondary but will never be broken. We also want them to learn how to quietly live out their convictions as well, setting a godly example but remaining flexible to knowing that they too are human and may need to change.

While I want all of these things, I do not want my children boxed into a life path that I choose for them. I want them taught well, filled with scripture and the Holy Spirit, AND able to discern what God has for them. That is why we are homeschooling at this point in time (what once was an academic venture has become a spiritual and life-centered one) -- so we are sure that what is being taught will provide them with the human instruction necessary and hopefully the gospel presented will take root and the Holy Spirit will be real in their lives (Hank has already professed a saving faith and we see fruit in his life -- that has been THE MOST thrilling part of motherhood thus far). That is why college is not an assumed end to this journey. It is a privilege for furthering an education that is necessary to the path God leads them to -- and that goes for both of them, male and female. They are youngsters so this could change, but as things stand now, we hope to neither push nor prohibit furthered education. We only hope to keep it from being the "holy grail" on which we base the raising of our children. It will be a decision made in prayer at the right time.

Jesus tells us in Matthew 11:30 that His "yoke is easy" and His "burden is light". I want that to be the yoke and burden my children carry -- not one that I select for them that has them trying to be "good enough" for me.

I guess I have rambled on. These thoughts have been heavy on me for several weeks as the pendulum comes back to a place of balance after learning about so many different ways of thinking. I did not really want it to stabilize. I wanted to stay very far to the right, but the Lord is leading us to the place He has for us. We have been exposed to many things we never examined before and we are thankful for that exposure. But we do not want to overlay a human system, no matter how good, onto our child rearing. We want to open the Word, see what it says, and apply it to our family. Really, those are the only principles that will help. That, and the examples that we, as parents (NOT the youth minister or the Sunday school teacher though those can have a good place too when set in the appropriate context) set for our children. I believe I have said before that parents set examples -- whether it's a proactive example because of what they do, or a passive example because of what is neglected and/or swept under the rug. My little ones are watching. I want to point them to Calvary.

"Example is not the main thing in influencing others, it's the only thing." -Albert Schweitzer

"She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all. Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." Proverbs 31: 26-30