Being Still

"The sound of 'gentle stillness' after all the thunder and wind have passed will be the ultimate Word from God." -Jim Elliot

I am seldom to never still. There is always a flurry of reading or studying or hyperactive house cleaning going on with me. Every now and again, I sleep in. And on the days that I sleep in, I get frustrated because when I get up, the husband and children have managed to get the house to a state that I cannot bear. It's really not that bad. He is incredibly industrious and helpful. He cans pickles and tomatoes. He picks up and asks the kids to pick up. When he sees me dragging, he takes over and vacuums or whatever I had planned -- and this is on top of his full-time job, plus teaching night classes at a local college. I have been told that I have it VERY good.

I am the problem. I am too picky, and do not like it when my standards are not met. And I know myself to be the issue. Recently, I have seen these qualities in someone else I know. You know how they say we dislike in others what we dislike in ourselves? Well, it's true. As I watched someone dear to me spin around the kitchen, barring all help because it was her domain and I just couldn't meet her standards because she assumed my help would only hinder her, I realized that I am like this with my own precious family. I'm not sure what to do with this realization. I am territorial to a fault over my tiny kitchen space. Woe be unto the person who stands in my way! Thank the Lord for the time after supper when we clear the dishes off the table then sit together and read God's word and sing songs and pray. Were it not for that, I wonder if I would ever sit down?

Daniel and the kids preparing for family worship.

I have also realized in myself a difference between cooking to live and going way overboard. I too often go way overboard because I enjoy the process. I am toying with a goal of cooking to live and allowing myself to go overboard ONCE a month just for enjoyment, because when I do it too often, I am exhausted and begin to wonder where my family time has gone.

I have heard it said that a huge idol of Americans is busyness. I don't think I'm going too far out on a limb when I agree with this. I don't think I worship my busyness because it makes me miserable but if I don't worship it then why do I keep it up? I am aiming to stop. This is going to be incredibly difficult to give over to God. There are things I still must do to maintain my household so I don't want to swing too far the other way, but I feel like summer has gone by and I have missed out on some sweet times with my family because I have either been stuck in the kitchen (by choice) or I have been grumpy because my mind is spinning over what I should be doing instead of snuggling on the couch or playing a game, OR I have overplanned, something for which I am famous.

I look at the beautiful garden and realize that I can buy many of these things at the store. I think gardening is awesome and for so many people, it is a family effort and a blessing. It has been somewhat that for us, but with the surplus of tomatoes, I have felt a burden to create spaghetti sauce. Because not all tomatoes ripen at the same time, I am constantly making small batches. If they all came in in a massive harvest and I could do it all at once, it would be different. But that is not the case. I am worn out. I have already shared with Daniel that next summer, I will plant fewer tomatoes and we will enjoy the bounty fresh off the plant but I do not plan on putting it up. With today's technology, it is not necessary. Technology has harmed us in many ways but it has also freed us in many ways. Canning and freezing is a good thing and a beautiful thing for many, but for me, it is a burden when it drags on all summer long. I will plan to still put up my butterbeans and peas next summer, but one day can be set aside for that and it is worth it. Daniel loves to make pickles and can them, so I will leave the cucumbers to him! :)

I want to maintain as much of the process with growing things fresh from the earth as I can, but recently, I do not like the bogged down feeling. Our tomato plants are beginning to produce less and I am so thankful!!!! The kids help as much as they can, but they are small and processes with boiling water and knives are just not what they need to be involved in. :)

There are other things in my life that must go. I have been toying with auditing an RTS class on the theology of CS Lewis taught by my Sunday school teacher but I just don't know if I'm going to do it. This fall, I will begin actively teaching Addie in addition to Carter and I am still relatively new to this homeschooling process. I don't know how the workload would balance out but I suspect that auditing the class may do more harm than good. The class itself is an incredibly good thing, but again, I am fighting a battle to not let busyness be my idol. I want to take the class but am in the process of answering whether or not I NEED to take the class. Daniel is all for it and one night out a week with books and discussion sounds incredible to me. But what will the reality be?

In all of life, there are many good things. But I cannot do all of the good things and spend the time with my family that I need to spend. I am thankful that most days I manage to get up early and spend time with the Lord. That is something that has taken time. He has asked me to "Be still and know that (He is) God" (Psalm 46:10), and I think he means it. I only have to read about Mary and Martha and Martha's complaints that she was doing all the grunt work and hear Jesus's response, "Martha, Martha, you are worried and bothered about so many things; but only one thing is necessary, for Mary has chosen the good part, which will not be taken away from her" (Luke 10:41-42) and I see that so many of the things that I fret over are not that big of a deal in God's economy.

So, I will be cooking more to live, gardening a little bit less, cleaning a bit less frantically but hopefully in a more organized manner (I must say here that it would be wrong to stop many of these things -- especially keeping my home because God asks us to be good stewards and I think a messy home says something loud and clear), and spending more time at the feet of Jesus and with the people in my family. In my manner of thinking, those are the things that matter most. Now, to actually live it out. That will be the interesting and challenging part...

One of our very simple suppers from the week that I hit the wall. It was actually really good too --toasted sandwiches, fresh fruit, pickles. Everyone went to bed full. No one was disappointed that I didn't break my neck to cook an elaborate meal.