Sick

That all-too-familiar sensation in my stomach that feels like I am in a sick free-fall.

The thought processes that convince me that I am guilty, guilty, guilty and a failure.

The nonstop tears and inability to put my feet on the floor in the mornings.

The slowed-down processes of my body that take symptoms from emotional and mental to physical.

They came back.

After months of fighting to stay off of meds, I finally reached a conclusion.

I am sick.

Lord, I thought I had victory...

You do, although it may not look that way. Victory doesn't always take the form we expect. It often takes the form of surrender.

I surrender, and swallow the first pill, and oh, what a bitter pill it is!

A few months back I wrote coming off of anti-depressants. I truly thought I was stronger, truly thought I was "over it". When I went on them, I felt abnormal, felt like I was crazy. I believed I couldn't discuss it without apologizing for it, because so many people out there use depression as an excuse for all sorts of bad choices or selfishness. In the years that I was taking the medicine, I heard a lot of valid theological points about sin issues and counseling. I heard that I should exercise more, pay better attention to what I eat. So, I did... I thought I needed counseling, though the issues were small, so I tried a bit of that and even though the counselor was good and smart and very likeable, I found that I was talking circles and didn't feel that I was finding an "issue" at the heart of the matter. It had to be something I was doing wrong and could fix, didn't it?

And then, I fell ill. Literally, the way someone catches the flu, the depression was back. There had been some days when I was down, but I had had clarity and was able to set myself back on track. This was different. My body would not function (I won't go into description, but physical processes were all thrown off). I could not put my feet on the floor, couldn't stop crying. Right at first, I thought I had bitten off more than I could chew with homeschooling but in my heart, I did not want to send the kids back to school. No, it's not an evil place or that school is not good enough, but that we made this choice with conviction and for a reason, and I have grown to love being with my children. To think of the masses of hours that they would be away from me just made me even more sick. I worried. I felt guilty for everything, even things that had nothing to do with me. I believed I was unfit. One terrible part was the effect music had on me. I grew up with violin and piano lessons, and was always singing. I love to sing. But every time I opened my mouth to even attempt to sing, tears just fell and I could barely breathe.

But the very worst part was the apathy and numbness I felt toward those I love the most. It wasn't negative emotion or resentment. There was just a huge void of anything. And that terrified me.

Praise God for a doctor who attends church with me, has known me for years and knows me outside of her practice as well.

Praise God for medicine. This is a huge statement for me because I tried so hard to get away from medicine, thinking of it as something that should be a last resort, something I should not need, some sort of dirty crutch. And yet God brought me to the place of praising him for this common grace in the form of a pill. The pill has not healed me but it has allowed me to stop and think and focus. It has allowed this heavy veil of darkest black to lift from my consciousness so that I can see the light of day for the joyous thing that it is.

Some people don't need the meds. I guess I do. I hate being weak, but I have been humbled and reminded that I am not my own and I am not strong enough to beat anything on my own. It is only with Him that I can stand to swallow the necessary medicine and see how weak I am, and it is only with Him that I can see worth in myself.

This morning, I read these incredible words, and then I read them three more times. I wept over them, thanked God for them, and struggled through the joys and fears of another day...

"for whenever our hearts condemn us, God is greater than our hearts, and He knows everything." 1 John 3:20