"For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else." -Ralph Waldo Emerson
Many changes have happened in our little family between the beginning of December and today. There have been ups and downs, smiles and tears, prayers and pleas, and many, many discussions between my husband and me.
It is no secret that I have struggled with depression. I am a bit introspective and have been told at various points in my life that my river runs a little bit deeper than most. There have been times when I have come close to drowning in my own river. I am also more introverted than I ever thought myself to be, and I am recharged by time to myself, quietly reading and drinking coffee or even doing housework with my ipod plugged in. These are not all of the reasons we have decided to change, but they do play into it.
My husband and I took a large step back and began to talk about our family and the things we have learned and whether it was wise for us to continue down the road of home educating. We decided that for us, it was not. It was an excruciating decision for us to come to because I had begun to think very narrowly that I had found "the right way" to raise my children, and for his part, he really loved what we were doing, though he had not fallen into the narrow pattern that I had.
I thought if I just persevered that on the other end of this journey there would be a strong young man who cared for his family and worked hard and chose a wife who would stay home and raise godly offspring. I thought if I continued that my own daughter would choose the same path and follow in my footsteps some day, schooling her own children and raising them to do the same. And there may have been. But I no longer think that it is my job to tell them what they have to be, but to raise them in the nurture and admonition of the Lord and do my best to teach them to follow the prompting of the Holy Spirit and His leading. And Lord willing, they will still turn out to be godly people because of our Savior's amazing grace. And they will be free to follow the Lord where He would lead, even if that means they do not choose to live the life that I have lived.
I look back on my own life and the huge mistakes I made, and I realize how God's grace is the primary factor in where I am today, even the ugly parts. I think I may have begun to discount that grace in the lives of my own children and feel that it was my job to control all aspects. I did not realize that I had begun to follow a path that was narrower than the narrow way that Christ asks us to follow. It is only in retrospect that I can see that I added to the gospel.
I do not say these things to say that home educating is wrong or that I regret it. I will never regret the year that my children were with me almost every minute of the day. I learned so much about myself and about them during that cherished time. I view my role as a parent differently and in a more serious light than I ever did before. I truly believe that God led us into that season and that He has led us out of it. I believe that He convicts some people to persevere and follow through and that they are following Him in doing so. I remain supportive of home education because I know the value that lies in it.
I have realized that no one can ever have it all. As Emerson's quote at the top of this post states, there is a sacrifice for every choice we make. And we have chosen a different road than the one we were on. We have not handed over the reigns of their rearing to the schools they will be attending, but we do realize that they will spend less time within our sphere of influence and that this will change our family dynamics. But my hope and prayer is that our time together will be even sweeter for the time that we spend apart.
May God bless the changes that we all go through as we endeavor to move in His ways. He has allowed us so much freedom and for that I am thankful. May I never forget that the grace that is so present in my life is also present in the lives of my children. And may I never forget that any "gospel" that tells me that I cannot rest until I have done things a certain way is not THE gospel. I have begun a habit of running things through the grid of Jesus's words. If the interpretation of scripture does not line up with what He taught then it is the wrong interpretation.
Jesus did not tell me that I could not rest until I lived up to a certain standard. He said, "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest" (Matthew 11:28, emphasis mine). It is in those very words that I rest today and will rest this week as I give up the honored title of "homeschooling mom" and return to "just a mom". May we all find His rest to be balm for our weary souls.
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- KTElltt
- Somewhere Out There, Mississippi, United States
- I love pears, fresh cherries, and oranges.
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My two darlin's and myself...
2 comments:
You will forever be "educating" your children no matter where they go to school.
It is so easy to get caught up in "my way is the right way" whether you are talking about education choices, church denominations, the choice between big or small church, etc ... the list could go on forever. Of course, if we are focused on what someone else is doing different than we are, it is easier to NOT focus on the things we need to change in our own lives.
Thank you for being so open in sharing the decision y'all have made ... I pray that the transition is smooth for all of you!
You are right about forever educating. One lesson I learned in the past year is that children are shaped by what we do NOT teach or do as much as they are shaped by what we DO teach or do. And you are so right about how easy it is to get caught up in being right. That was a HUGE mistake I made, and exactly what I am referring to in this blog. It's one of those things that I have realized I struggle with more than I thought I did. But it's good to know about it so I can beware of continuing to fall into that trap. Thank you so much for the prayers!
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