Sick

That all-too-familiar sensation in my stomach that feels like I am in a sick free-fall.

The thought processes that convince me that I am guilty, guilty, guilty and a failure.

The nonstop tears and inability to put my feet on the floor in the mornings.

The slowed-down processes of my body that take symptoms from emotional and mental to physical.

They came back.

After months of fighting to stay off of meds, I finally reached a conclusion.

I am sick.

Lord, I thought I had victory...

You do, although it may not look that way. Victory doesn't always take the form we expect. It often takes the form of surrender.

I surrender, and swallow the first pill, and oh, what a bitter pill it is!

A few months back I wrote coming off of anti-depressants. I truly thought I was stronger, truly thought I was "over it". When I went on them, I felt abnormal, felt like I was crazy. I believed I couldn't discuss it without apologizing for it, because so many people out there use depression as an excuse for all sorts of bad choices or selfishness. In the years that I was taking the medicine, I heard a lot of valid theological points about sin issues and counseling. I heard that I should exercise more, pay better attention to what I eat. So, I did... I thought I needed counseling, though the issues were small, so I tried a bit of that and even though the counselor was good and smart and very likeable, I found that I was talking circles and didn't feel that I was finding an "issue" at the heart of the matter. It had to be something I was doing wrong and could fix, didn't it?

And then, I fell ill. Literally, the way someone catches the flu, the depression was back. There had been some days when I was down, but I had had clarity and was able to set myself back on track. This was different. My body would not function (I won't go into description, but physical processes were all thrown off). I could not put my feet on the floor, couldn't stop crying. Right at first, I thought I had bitten off more than I could chew with homeschooling but in my heart, I did not want to send the kids back to school. No, it's not an evil place or that school is not good enough, but that we made this choice with conviction and for a reason, and I have grown to love being with my children. To think of the masses of hours that they would be away from me just made me even more sick. I worried. I felt guilty for everything, even things that had nothing to do with me. I believed I was unfit. One terrible part was the effect music had on me. I grew up with violin and piano lessons, and was always singing. I love to sing. But every time I opened my mouth to even attempt to sing, tears just fell and I could barely breathe.

But the very worst part was the apathy and numbness I felt toward those I love the most. It wasn't negative emotion or resentment. There was just a huge void of anything. And that terrified me.

Praise God for a doctor who attends church with me, has known me for years and knows me outside of her practice as well.

Praise God for medicine. This is a huge statement for me because I tried so hard to get away from medicine, thinking of it as something that should be a last resort, something I should not need, some sort of dirty crutch. And yet God brought me to the place of praising him for this common grace in the form of a pill. The pill has not healed me but it has allowed me to stop and think and focus. It has allowed this heavy veil of darkest black to lift from my consciousness so that I can see the light of day for the joyous thing that it is.

Some people don't need the meds. I guess I do. I hate being weak, but I have been humbled and reminded that I am not my own and I am not strong enough to beat anything on my own. It is only with Him that I can stand to swallow the necessary medicine and see how weak I am, and it is only with Him that I can see worth in myself.

This morning, I read these incredible words, and then I read them three more times. I wept over them, thanked God for them, and struggled through the joys and fears of another day...

"for whenever our hearts condemn us, God is greater than our hearts, and He knows everything." 1 John 3:20

Washing Tiny Feet

***A note: Today is Monday, May 2, 2011. I am reading through old entries and changing from the nicknames of the family back to the real names. I wanted to add to this blog that I now realize that all of the things I said I would have missed out on had I not homeschooled, I am not missing out on now that we're not homeschooling. There's not as much time for it all, but we somehow find a way to still do the important things. It is so sweet to be a family under God's grace.

I guess I understand to an extent when people tell me they "could never do it". Homeschool, I mean. I used to say it too. There were many reasons why I thought I couldn't and some days, I still think I can't. There is insecurity, cultural assumption, the need for a moment of quiet, the question of what to teach and how. I could build a road out of the many reasons I have been told (and have told myself about myself) that someone could never homeschool. I know people don't mean it ugly, at least most don't. But there is something in my heart that feels a little sad when it is said. It's a valid lifestyle, a sound educational opportunity. Not everyone has to do it but I do wish that those who are so opposed would learn to say a quiet "good for you" and move on, much the same way I have learned to respond on issues with the children of others that do not concern me.

Anyway, part of the reason I get sad is that I think of what all I would be missing out on if I weren't schooling my children at this time and in this season of life we're all in. I would miss out on giggles, morning devotions (we never had time for this when they were in school), discussions around the table about myriads of different things, puppets with my little one, reading about how the human body is fearfully and wonderfully made with my older child, the chance to teach history from a Christian perspective (as in -- the Bible is not just stories, but a valid part of the timeline), nighttime fun because school work is finished and put away, teaching them to crack eggs, learning one hymn a week.

Today, I found one of my favorite things. Washing their feet. Yes. You read me right. I love washing their feet. They played outside while I was changing the sheets on a loft bed. I looked out the window and saw them playing together under the swing set, digging away in the dirt. I rolled my eyes, dreading the mess. I let them finish, called them in, and they sat on the edge of the tub with their feet in the bubble bath. There were giggles, there was fun, and I was down on my knees washing the feet of those I hold most dear -- more giggles, it tickles! And really, that's what it's all about. For me, anyway...

Lord, forgive me for rolling my eyes and dreading the mess. May I wash their feet as Mary washed yours and show to those visible in my life the love you have shown to me and the love that I want to show to a God who is invisible.

Vacation...

We returned Saturday from seven days on the mountain just above Gatlinburg, TN. While we were there, we had no Internet access. This was an incredible blessing. I had not realized how much of my time is eaten up with e-mails and reading news, blogs, etc. Not that these things are not worthwhile, just that I sometimes struggle with balancing. I have, since we returned, set a goal of limiting myself to checking my e-mail in the evenings. Any Yahoo boards I belong to have been set to send me the daily digest instead of every e-mail. And my e-mail notifier on my phone is turned off. It has become kind of peaceful allowing the computer to be secondary...


I had thought we would have Internet access and planned to work on one long post all week that would say what we did that day, what was fun, etc. But again, it worked out so well because I now realize that an itemized list of my week would have been no fun and a little bit unoriginal. So, here are a few of my favorite things from the week and a few pictures to share.


First, my list of what I loved:


-Being on the mountain above the busy city and waking up to sunset over the Smoky Mountains every morning.


-Getting my toes wet in the freezing cold creek.

-Red, orange, yellow and green leaves deepening all week long, changing every day in the crisp air.

-Riding a REAL rollercoaster with my son, an exhilarating and scary experience all in one (Mom road with him on his first one -- I went along for the second and he hated both!).

-Seeing a chipmunk eating an acorn on a huge rock in the forest.

-The sunken stone fireplace and the warm fire in it.

-Parents who want to play with and enjoy their grandchildren.

-Hearing my son play his guitar all week and even compose his first song, complete with chords written above the words.


-Watching my daughter learn about nature and trek long trails with barely a complaint.

-Rain on the tin roof that kept me up all night but in my memory sounds beautiful.

-Strong coffee.


-The new Nantahala Outdoor Center.

-The view from Clingman's Dome.

-Finishing biking through Cade's Cove and promising myself that if I ever do it again it will be when it is "bikes only".


And now, here are a few pics of the week:

*Sigh* We hated to leave that view behind, but we plan to go back again... someday...

Fall

Fall is officially here!


I know this because temperatures have reached below 50 degrees. Of course, that is at night and early morning, but it still counts! The other reason I know is that we have a new pet hanging around the house. Guess what we have? These animals appear mostly in the fall.







Tired of guessing?









Ok, here she is:




I wanted to get the humming bird feeder in this picture because it puts the spider in perspective. She is almost as big as some of the hummingbirds that come to feed, though come to think of it, I haven't seen any birds out there recently. A "common" garden spider -- this one has the yellow pattern on it, though the lighting doesn't show it. Nonpoisonous to humans though a little internet research says that when pressed up against human skin, they may bite. I'm not sure I know anyone who would press this thing against their skin, though. :) She is fascinating to watch in a really creepy sort of way, though the first time I saw her, I screamed a little. I was raising the window blinds because I was going to open the window and let some fabulous crisp, fall air in. I ended up NOT opening the window...

I actually hate spiders but am not brave enough to take a broom or a can of Raid to this one because it might attack me. The kids have named her "Heimlich" after the caterpillar in "A Bugs Life". We tried to keep a caterpillar that I caught last weekend but I didn't get the type of plant right and not wanting to starve him, I put him on the crepe myrtle and he took off in search of food. The kids had named HIM Heimlich but since we didn't keep him, the name got transferred to our spider. The caterpillar is pictured below:

Lots of creepy crawlers around for fascination this fall! And God made them all, even the eight-legged ones that freak me out!

Homemade Rolls

About two blogs ago I mentioned some homemade orange danish and cinnamon rolls that I have made. I decided to find a way to have yummy rolls without a list of preservatives a mile long, and I found one. Stephanie asked for the recipe, so here it is! But first, let me share the yummy pics (although I posted them on the blog where they were previously mentioned, the recipe just goes better with the pictures!).

Orange danish.

One orange danish roll just WAITING to be savored...

Cinnamon rolls rising...

And complete with gooey, yummy, sugary icing...

First, you only need one recipe of this dough. One recipe will make eighteen rolls, or nine cinnamon rolls and nine orange danish. You can use half of the dough and store the rest for 48 hours in the fridge.

Rapid Mix Sweet Dough:

2 cups all-purpose flour, divided
2 (.25 oz) packages active dry yeast
1/2 cup white sugar
1 1/2 tsp salt
1/2 cup butter, softened
1 1/2 cups warm water (110 degrees F)
2 eggs (room temperature)
1 cup all-purpose flour
2 cups all-purpose flour

Directions:

In a large mixing bowl, combine 2 cups flour, yeast, sugar and salt. Stir well. Cut in butter with a fork (or pastry blender) until mixture resembles coarse cornmeal. Add warm water to flour mixture. Beat with an electric mixer at medium speed for 2 minutes. Add eggs and 1 more cup of flour; beat until thick. Stir in the remaining flour 1/2 cup at a time until the dough comes together. Turn dough out onto a lightly floured surface and knead until smooth and elastic, about 8 minutes (I use my dough hook and my Kitchen-Aid mixer for the kneading!). Cover dough with a damp towel and let rest for 20 minutes. Punch down dough and form into desired shape. Cover and refrigerate dough for up to 48 hours.

For the Orange Danish:

You will need half of your dough. Roll it out on a lightly floured surface to 1/2 inch thickness and approximately a 15 X 8 inch rectangle. Spread with 1/4 cup melted butter and cover with 1/2 cup sugar, then sprinkle with 4 tsp. freshly grated orange peel. Roll dough up jellyroll style starting at long edge, and cut into 2-inch slices using a sharp, serrated knife. Place cut side down on a buttered 13X9 inch Pyrex dish. Cover lightly and allow to rise in a warm, draft-free spot until double in bulk (30 minutes). Bake for 18-20 minutes in a 375 degree oven. Cool for ten minutes and spread with a mixture of: 2 cups powdered sugar, 1 tsp vanilla, 3 TBSP orange juice, 1 tsp orange zest.

For the Cinnamon Rolls:

You need the other half of your dough. Roll it out on a lightly floured surface to 1/2 inch thickness and approximately a 15X8 inch rectangle. Spread with 1/4 cup melted butter and sprinkle with a mixture of 3/4 cup brown sugar and 3 TBSP cinnamon. Roll dough up jellyroll style starting at long edge, and cut into 2-inch slices using a sharp, serrated knife. Place cut side down on a buttered 13X9 inch Pyrex dish. Cover lightly and allow to rise in a warm, draft-free spot until double in bulk (30 minutes). Bake for 18-20 minutes in a 375 degree oven. Cool for ten minutes and spread with a mixture of: 2 cups of powdered sugar, 1 tsp vanilla and 3-4 TBSP milk.

ENJOY!

***I have made both the night before, even allowing them to rise. I then cover them with Saran Wrap and put them in the fridge. Let them stand for about 20 minutes before putting in the oven the next morning. This way, we can have fresh rolls before church on Sunday mornings if we want them! Yum!

Middle of the Semester Exhaustion...

Anyone else feeling a little bit worn down??? I know I am! We have been staying busier than I ever wanted to be, but things are going well. Here are a few pics to keep the blog up to date.

A pic I took of Addie as we played "airplane", her laying on my feet and me lifting her up into the air.

All the kids at our first Book-It. Addie even got to participate and she had a blast! Carter, of course, had a fabulous time too, as he always does.

This is not a pretty picture but it shows the big ol' spot where a pipe burst between our bedroom and bathroom wall. We lost some sheetrock and some carpet padding, but thanks to fabulous neighbors who knew their stuff, the damage was minimized.

Addie ready to make further repairs to our room. She LOVES this ladder!

A salamander that has shown up twice in our house! The first time, it was hanging out in the bathroom, spying on me. Seriously. It would have scared the pants off of me had my pants not already been off! It blended in perfectly... THEN it showed back up in Carter's room and he thought it was a toy, picked it up and flipped out when it started wriggling. It has the same half-tail as the one that was being voyeuristic in my bathroom, so I'm guessing it's the same one. Next time he comes around, I'm buying a terrarium. I think he might want to stay...

Addie Can!

My baby.

When we first decided to homeschool, my concerns were mostly for her. In spite of all of the warnings that I wouldn't be able to give my intelligent son all he needs, I knew I could just get my hands on some great books and he would soar. I figured we would worry about high school sciences when we got there and if we had to do something different we would, but that was no reason to not bring him home now. But he taught himself to read when he was three. He went to school knowing most of what he needed to know, and he came home to school knowing most of what he needed to know. The rest is gravy.

But my little girl is a regular four-year-old. She didn't teach herself to read when she was three. She is incredibly creative and intelligent in her own right, and we celebrate her accomplishments every bit as much as we celebrate those of the one who bears the heavy and often burdening label of "gifted" (one that we, coincidentally, don't use often in his earshot).

I feared teaching from the beginning, from scratch. What if I shortchanged her? What if she was twelve and couldn't read because I did something dreadfully wrong?

Well, we started with a kindergarten curriculum this year, after hearing several times last year, "Mommy, teach me to read!" We have thus far covered the short and long vowel sounds, the sounds that each consonant makes, and the one and two vowel rules. She is blending well and knows 28 sight words. SO... I pulled out the first Abeka reader yesterday (we don't use Abeka but a friend gave us some old readers and these are as good as any others when it comes to sounding out short words and controlled vocabulary), Tim Can, just to see what she did with it. I sat with her and helped make letter sounds and reminded her of her rules, but she mostly did it on her own.

You know what?

Addie can! She can read a short reader! Now, I'm not saying she can read her Bible or any book, but that baby can sound out short words. My heart is swollen with love and excitement for her. She has come farther faster than I thought she would be able to. It's been hard work, but she loves to work hard, and she loves to measure her progress.