Something a Little Less Brooding...

I have been thinking through a lot of things and have blogged about them, using my blog for catharsis, BUT today, I am going to share some fun things...

Girl day is Friday in our house. Addie doesn't have preschool, so she and I try to do some fun things. Last week, she wanted a bubble bath, but we were out of bubbles, so we headed to Bath and Body Works. She smelled everything in the store and settled on Japanese Cherry Blossom. Great choice. AND they were having a buy three get three free sale. We stocked up. :) We came home, ran a bath and fixed a bowl of chocolates.


We then fixed ourselves a picnic and spread the big quilt in the yard for some relaxation in the beautiful weather.


We watched clouds.


And took pictures of ourselves.


Lately, she has been very interested in setting the table. She ALWAYS wants to come up with a centerpiece. Yesterday, she picked all these weeds out of the yard and began to pile them on the table. I gave her a small bowl, and she did this ALL by herself.


A weed by any other name...

Home on Sunday

Carter started throwing up at school Friday and it turned out to be strep. He got the shot and normally we would be at church but his tonsils were so swollen, the doc said to keep him home until Monday morning. He is quite a bit better, but a little extra rest never hurt anyone.

So, on this beautiful Sunday morning at home, I have been pondering this thing we call "the Gospel". What is it, exactly? Is it a call to a list of rules and actions? An isolation tactic that means (in the words of an old Sunday school teacher) "we don't smoke, don't drink, don't chew, and don't mess with those who do"? Is it being productive every day and then blogging it out so that I can be patted on the back for my accomplishments? Is it updating my facebook status with verses? Is it blogging about my convictions and then going out the door and being too afraid or apathetic or proud to just engage others who are different from me in relationship?

When we stopped homeschooling, it was because I had hit a deep depression and could not continue putting one foot in front of the other. I am pretty sure I do have some chemical issues, but I think there is much more than chemistry that plays into depression. I went further down than I have ever been and I am pretty sure it was triggered by legalism. Legalism is a killer, it's a prison in and of itself. Legalism is much more interested in making others be like me than it is in showing others the way to Christ. One can live and die in legalism and never even realize it. They'll believe they did it all right, and everyone else did it all wrong, and they will have cut off any and everyone who disagreed with them along the way, left only with a choice few that continue to encourage their stances. I'm not saying the legalist is unsaved. Only God can know their heart and He can forgive any sin. But I do wonder about the effectiveness of a life lived in this vein (though I know too that no life is lived without His sovereignty).

This doesn't mean I don't support homeschooling anymore. During my time schooling I had the privilege of meeting some beautiful families who were balancing their choices well. I also had the privilege of seeing some who did not turn out so well (this was an eye-opener because only the ideal stories tend to get told). I call this a privilege because it was good to see balance. For us, though, homeschooling had to go. You know how you can only realize things after looking back with clarity? I can look back over that year and see so much good and am forever thankful for some of the precious moments I had with my family. But one of the things I can see with absolute precision is a series of events leading to a moment where I went from thinking that homeschooling was one of many good options to believing that it was the only option and that we HAD to do it this way to keep our children unstained from the world. I am very prone to getting sucked in to hard systems of rules. I am that way because for a long time, I lived on the other end of the spectrum, not caring about any rules at all. I think, though, that this rebellion was a direct lashback against the legalism of the systems I had always known, and it was a hunger for the true Gospel of Christ. I was the prodigal son. Then, I got saved and became the elder brother. I am not sure which is worse.

Tim Keller has a book called The Prodigal God. If you haven't read it, you should. It will make you reexamine yourself in the kind of light that makeup mirrors provide. There is much debate in my Sunday school class, when the parable of the prodigal son comes up, as to whether the elder brother was saved or not. I don't really think that is the point of the parable, but I kind of think he was. I think he knew the father, but in his legalism, he felt the need to isolate himself on the homestead and withhold the inheritance from his younger brother who by grace came crawling back covered in filth. Kind of like Job knew God but was so infuriated when the Ninevites repented. In his estimation, they didn't deserve it. And yet God continued to show Job how much He loved him, just as the father showed the elder brother.

What is it in us, once we're saved, that wants to withhold blessing from those who are not, or from those who are not growing in the same areas as we are? What is it in ME that wants to decide whether others are worthy or not? This is precisely the kind of judging that Christ is against. He alone knows the heart. I do not. This, friends, is NOT the Gospel.

The Gospel is a simple truth and a harsh reality all at once. The truth, simply put, is that Christ died and rose for me and that provided grace sufficient for the holy God to see that work when He looks at me instead of seeing my blighted nature. The harsh reality is that the rest of my life is an uphill battle waged against my own flesh, whether it be propensities to physical sin or to harsh judgements of others. And then, there is another, more beautiful reality, that during the uphill battle, my Jesus is with me, rescuing me all along the way, because the life of Christianity is a life of continual repentance and turning -- not for one thing or another, but FROM one life TO another.

There is a whole world out there, a diverse, aching world of differences. So, do I cut myself off from it or live in it and live for Christ? I think I know the answer, and I think I know what my children must be taught as well...

"For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast." Ephesians 2: 8-9 (ESV, italics mine)

Self-help or Relationship?

Over the past couple of months, I have noticed in myself a propensity to get a bit carried away in areas that need improvement in my life. I'll work really hard at something until I'm worn out. If I get good results, I'll credit my relationship with God even though I feel so good about it (like I have done something major all on my own). And of course, God does get the credit because it is He that enables me to do anything at all. However, I have started examining how I view my relationship with Christ. Is it, in fact, a relationship, or is it a catalyst to self-improvement? Sure, I should want to be better, but not in a way that causes me to "use" God. I ran across a quote this morning in a book that a friend sent a few pages of to me.

"Even religion itself may be manipulated into becoming an elaborate and systematic evasion of the living God, and ultimately a system of self deification. What may have begun, like falling in love, as a deeply sincere and thrilling personal encounter, can quickly degenerate into sterile self-centeredness. And so the worship of God may be changed into a quest for human fulfillment; obedience to God becomes enslavement to one's own dreams and passions; the Kingdom of God is translated to mean a Utopian society; and so on. In one way or another, religion may be used not to glorify God at all, but actually to shift the emphasis from God to man, and to do so in a way that drips with piety." From Mike Mason's The Mystery of Marriage

When I walk with my husband, we talk, laugh, get to know each other a little bit better. Oh, that my walk with Christ would be so sweet and full of talk and laughter and getting to know Him better that all else pales in comparison, that my worship in and out of church would be pleasing to Him, that the rearing of my children and maintaining of my household would glorify Him, that any changes in me would ultimately be about His glory and not my pride and fulfillment.

More Harm Than Good

There are some things in this life that are perceived good, but they may cause more harm than good. For example, an apology that makes me feel better but makes you feel worse may very well be sincere but it may cause more harm than good.

Every Now and Again

Every once in a while, when I am studying down the rabbit trails that I follow, I will find some illumination, something that just speaks to my heart. This is a dark world, but one sentence I read yesterday said that there is no darkness so deep that it is immune to the light. So true. Here is a quote from Martin Luther that as I digested it, it lit a small flame somewhere in the darkest parts of me. This life is an ongoing struggle, but Luther speaks to this, and I find it encouraging.

"This life, therefore, is not righteousness, but growth in righteousness,

not health but healing,

not being but becoming,

not rest but exercise.

We are not yet what we shall be, but we are growing toward it.

The process is not yet finished, but it is going on.

This is not the end but it is the road.

All does not yet gleam in glory but all is being purified."

-Martin Luther in "Defense and Explanation of All the Articles," Second Article (1521)

Being the Tooth Fairy

"The great man is he who does not lose his child's heart." Mencius, Book IV

He's growing so big now. He knows the truth about Santa and the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy. He writes everything in beautiful cursive. He does long division and simple algebra. He plays higher and higher levels in his piano and understands tetrachords, and other things that baffle me. But he is still so young, and inside, there is this HUGE imagination, for which I am thankful.

Wednesday night, he pulled a tooth on the way home from church and managed to drop it. We couldn't find it. He was almost hysterical.

"Here's what we'll do," I say. "Write the tooth fairy a letter!"

He sits down and composes a beautiful note to the Tooth Fairy, and the next morning, she has responded with kind understanding and an extra dollar because of his sadness. He is beside himself with joy. He cannot believe how much he is loved, and that she actually came and understood his plight!

And in the last seconds before his daddy whisks him out the door for school, he snuggles next to me on the couch, face freshly washed, hair combed and looking so manly and he whispers, "Thanks for being my tooth fairy!"

I hope that he can keep that wonder forever, though he knows the truth, in his imagination, he is able to see magic. And I am so thankful for that.

Little Moments

We had this one incredible year where our world moved a little more slowly. Things were busy enough. I didn't have a lot of time for outside relationships and activities, but there was family time galore. There were many days where we finished school and chores, and threw the big quilt down in the front yard to relax and read together, many days where the weather wasn't good to get outside so we snuggled under the covers in my bed and read together. So many good snuggles!

We don't get as many snuggles in now, and that is a little bit hard. But we have to be sure to look for the little moments when we can get them, and remember to be thankful for them. One thing I used to LOVE to do with Carter when I would drop him off at preschool was letting him sit in my lap and "drive" through the carpool line. When we were down to two cars in front of us, he would switch to the passenger's side to get out. I have re-established this tradition with Addie. She sits in my lap and "drives" as she counts down the cars in front of us. I relish the feel of her warm little body, the smell of her sweet hair as she chatters, "Oh no, four more cars, three!"

She grabs my face and says, "I have 101 kisses for you Mommy!" and goes to town, kissing my cheeks, forehead, and ending with a few butterfly kisses on my nose. I return all of her kisses and say goodbye and that I love her and will see her soon and I watch as she skips down the sidewalk, chattering to everyone she passes. She is so happy and growing so quickly, and I am just thankful for those few minutes of driving together.

We are retraining ourselves to seize the moments that present themselves...